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Notes on bondage negotiation style

The following is my response to a woman’s post on her negotiation style, which was very thorough and well-considered:

 

I wish everyone had such a clear and logical negotiation structure!

I completely agree with you that a checklist is not only a complete waste of time, but I also think it’s somewhat abusive. Asking a potential play partner to checkoff that she consents in advance to a certain type of touching, bruising, or sexual act before a scene is completely unwarranted and off-putting. For instance:

https://www.scribd.com/document/163631556/BDSM-Chec…

Just the first 5 lines include “Anal Play” and then “Anal Plugs, small, medium and large”. So, let me get this straight, I’m at HEAT in the snack room, and I ask a woman with whom I’m interested in doing a rope scene, with maybe some mild impact play, who I’ve just met, to fill out and email to me this comprehensive and edgy list of sexual acts?

I would rightly be disqualified by asking them to even consider this.

On the other side of the coin, a good negotiation process like yours assures that things you enjoy are considered and included. For instance, if we negotiated a rope scene with a partial and maybe a full suspension, and didn’t talk about impact play, who would I know that impact play was something you enjoyed within certain limits?

What if you enjoyed breath play, and that was also something I really enjoyed and was skilled at? If no one brings it up, it would probably be excluded.

Another example is hair tying and “pulling”. Some bottoms absolutely love it, and others find it extremely annoying and a complete buzzkill.

Also, if we did a rope scene, but you have found suspension painful in the past, a rope scene could be negotiated, which didn’t include suspension, and time wouldn’t be spent in the scene trying to execute a suspension that you didn’t enjoy, and could be frustrating for the top. I am increasingly aware that precious scene time shouldn’t be spent trying to get someone in the air, when there are plenty of other fun bondage activities that can be engaged in on the ground or with partials.

I have seen tops negotiate from the viewpoint of “get them to agree to a wide set of parameters and then really push within those as far as possible” or “unless you specifically exclude something, I consider it something I can do”. This negotiation style I believe is meant to “trick” the sub into being abused, and then when they object during or after, the top can say “well, you said”, or “well, you didn’t say”.

I think your thorough negotiation style will ward off this type of “pushy” style simply by good communication that’s in writing on a message thread.

Now, there has to be a reasonableness on the part of the bottom in a scene as well. For instance, if you agree to a bondage scene, and talk about an arm-binder and a partial suspension, and the top ties the bottom’s ankles, which is reasonable in a bondage scene, and the sub says “I didn’t say you could tie my ankles”, that is a type of abusive withdrawal of permission on the side of the bottom.

I have seen something like this happen at least once, but it is rare, because of course, the top is vested with the physical power in the scene. I

For pick-up play, which I do quite often at Houston venues, there is not the luxury of a written record, or a carefully planned scene. There is also not the luxury of a “scene appointment” where one plans out a time and a venue.

I love the idea of a well negotiated scene, with a good set of parameters, that is planned out for a certain time in a certain venue!

You mention 20 minutes of negotiation for pick-up play. I wish! I often have less than 5 minutes to discuss a potential scene, the expectations of the bottom, such as “I want to be suspended”.

While this is fun and challenging to pull off a good scene, suspending such a partner is very often NOT a great first scene between rope partners.

It would be a pleasure to play with someone who had the thoughtfulness to invest the discussion time for a really great scene, and really, even more important than that, be able to say to themselves afterwards, “that was a great scene! I really want to make sure we play together again, maybe at HPEP next month. I’m going to txt him and see if he’s going and available!”

After all, in Houston, even though it’s a big community, we all see each other all the time. People in Houston tend to stay here, and what could be more fun than to have wonderful partners that you can play with on an advanced level?

Your negotiation style helps not only keep you safe, and enjoying wonderful play, but if more people engaged in this type of negotiation, everyone would have better play!

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Witnessing an intense tickling scene

I have to agree that is indeed a great story.

I witnessed a tickling scene that affected me emotionally it was so intense and amounted to a type of torture that contrasted markedly with the serene shibari rope suspension scenes that I am used to.

The young lady (whom I had recently met and consider a friend) was strapped to a tickle board by leather straps at her ankles, knees, waist, above her breasts. Her legs were spread wide.

Her arms were up to either side of her head, strapped at her elbows and wrists. There was no leather strap at her throat, and she was not gagged.

The tickling started at her feet at first very slowly and moved up. Apparently, the person who had negotiated for the tickling scene knew exactly what he was doing.

Soon she was writhing in agony, screaming and gasping for breath, completely pinned by her straps, which had no give whatsoever. The actual tickling continued for a full 45 minutes. The tickler was extremely skilled, bring her to extreme peaks and then allowing her to recover, so that the tickling could begin again.

I was genuinely concerned for her well-being and safety, but we were in a venue where safeword protocols were strictly in place, and there was had no indication that she had called a safeword.

Her arms were unstrapped, and then her wrists were strapped together and pulled up above her head, exposing her underarms. As the tickling continued, she began to jerk in a convulsive manner barely able to scream.

Finally, it stopped. She was slowly unstrapped and taken to a nearby bed for aftercare. She was clearly exhausted; totally spent. I think she received excellent aftercare that allowed her to return to reality and physically recuperate at least partially from the ordeal.

I had to question my own reaction. I was emotionally completely spent – I felt she had been taken extreme advantage of, even though there was no safewording and I knew the scene had been carefully negotiated. Thus, I couldn’t square my feeling she had been taken advantage of with what I knew to be the structure of negotiation and consent that was in place.

I would say my experience with this type of scene (as an onlooker) is moderate to advanced. I have watched very intense impact scenes, and I adore shibari.

This tickling scene, however, was the most torturous scene I have ever witnessed.

I kept my emotions inside, hopefully, appropriately so. I contacted my friend afterward and expressed my concern, but didn’t receive an answer.

One of the things we say here is “Go get a cookie”. I was not a DM there, just an onlooker. I never heard a safeword, either a “yellow” much less a “red”. They say if a scene is too intense for you as an onlooker, go get a cookie. This indeed was my “go get a cookie” moment.

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Rope Drop – dealing with it

Call it rope drop, bottom drop, top drop (this one rhymes!) whatever you call it, it’s a real bummer!

Have you ever had this happen?

(switching to 2nd person writing, which I almost never do)

You go to a weeknight tying event.  You meet a great friend a do a scene onstage.  You’re in a great mood, she’s in a great mood. The rope co-operates, the scene is hot, the patterns work well, and the imagination is firing on all cylinders.  Suspensions work, ground-play works, you have a great connection and intimacy, both sexy and fun! So much laughing, enjoyment, and pure bliss!

It’s a great night!  Great pictures, compliments from onlookers, you’re on cloud 9, and so is your partner!

Sure, you’re out a little late, but there was no alcohol involved and you feel great the next morning – you practically wake up glowing.  That next day you exchange texts with your rope partner about the great time and talk about which ties you liked best and how wonderful the whole night was.  All the next day, you are practically floating! Continue reading “Rope Drop – dealing with it”